I asked myself if there’s a correlation between me being polyamorous and me being a introvert and wanted to share some assorted thoughts about this with you dear reader, since people tend to ask me quite often, if it doesn’t seem to be a bit of a paradoxon that people who tend to spend most of their time on their own, reading, dreaming, rearranging their own headspaces, choose to have multiple partners, since maintaining interpersonal relationships usually require spoons we, as introverts, rarely have for social interactions.
And while the remark is valid, that being polyam probably (it don’t have to neccesarily though) means having to deal with more people being close to you, it is really liberating on many other levels, making things less exhausting for me. Having in mind that polyamory is neither the opposite of nor anti-monogamy, but anti-normative in the first place, not having to adapt expectations and norms of monogamous relationship concepts helps me finding relationships I want to be in, sharing only the things I want to and, more importantly, I am able to.
It always was some kind of a problem in the (few) monogamous relationships I had, that, at some point, I wasn’t able to fulfill most of my partners wishes for such a relationship, since I simply haven’t got enough social spoons to do so, leaving both of us unhappy in a relationship having in mind that none of us were able to meet the requirements of our partner.
Things I’ve learned being polyamorous and what has changed for me in a few bullets:
- It’s okay not being able to fulfill all your partners wishes because it’s okay to put my own well-being first.
- grown up in a mono-normative society, I have internalised the toxic pattern, that one has to fulfill any needs of a partner to maintain a relationship. Emotionally abusive partners always gave me the feeling of not being enough, so I eventually stopped communicating my boundries and resources, to not dissapoint them.
- I learned that I am not responsible for anyone and don’t owe anyone affection and things I can’t manage to do when I was already in my 20s, two years ago. It is relieving to know, that people I love can do things they care about with others and I am not the only go-to person they have, since that’s something I cannot mange to be.
- I stopped caring about norms and expectations of relationship and discussed my own with my partners.
- So we’re able to share only what we want to share and do not have to do so because we simply have to.
- Also I thought a lot about, what relationships I want to have in my life, making it a lot easier to communicate my wishes.
Having a relationship with awkward introvert queer wallflowers like myself
I am really demi and don’t have any needs for bodily contact in my relationships most of the time, but the people I would feel comfortable having bodily contact with, are the ones I do not see outside digital and snailmail communication structures. Currently the relationships I feel most comfortable in, are the ones where we don’t spend physical time together, but digital time instead. I love listening to long voice messages during night times, reading and writing texts about what we’ve done during the daytime, sometimes (when I don’t feel to awkward about my body) sending each other cute selfies, sharing the fanfictions we love and music we’ve discovered with each other.
All of that makes me more happy than spending physically ages together, where I don’t feel comfortable at all, because the only place I feel entirely comfortable in is my own head during alone-time, reading books, writing poetry or just daydreaming all the day.
But don’t you have ~any~ wishes for cuddles and kisses?
Actually, yes, I do have these wishes. But not like all the time, but a few times a month and I love cuddling and kissing with people when I’ve got time to prepare myself for this.
Sometimes I tend to think, that doing so on a regular base with someone is something I can imagine as well and I’m sure there are people out there I feel comfortable with doing so, but since I’m quite demisexual and demi-physical-contact-ish, it still may take a lot of time to find out. But that’s okay.