I love talking about space. And while the area beyond the limit of the Earth’s atmosphere keeps me fascinating, we won’t talk that much about solar systems and planets than about polycules on here. I have recently reconnected with one of my closer partners after not having seen (and consensually not communicated that much with) them for half a year. Though different people may have different approaches and preferences on this, and I wouldn’t say one is more valid than the other, I want to talk about something, which is, for me, a crucial point in any relationships I have: giving each other enough space.
I Am a Space Lesbian
To me, having my own space, is pretty important, since it makes it easier for me to take a break from people I spend time with, which is, sometimes a necessary and healthy thing to do, and as much I value having my own space, I value that people I am in whatever form of relationship with are having their own as well, especially when it comes to making their own experiences without being influenced or biased by opinions I may have on things, I’ll come back to that later.
I tend to form connections with people I share a lot of common interests with, so it happens, that there are intersections of our social milieu, of our interest based communities, and since the number of geeky and queer internet people who also read tons of books isn’t that large, most of the people I already have connections with are knowing each other.
Especially in romantic relationships I unlearned the behavior of wanting to do all the things together with a significant other person, because tying all your interests and activities to one (two, or n) person(s) may sound appealing at first, but makes it really hard to take a break and to make experiences outside of a relationship and it may create one or the other dependency.
JOMO - the Joy of Missing Out
Within the polyamory community there tend to be sometimes those FOMO (fear of missing out) debates, and the reason why I am writing this is, that I want to talk about why it actually a good thing to miss things out, why missing out can be a reason for Compersion and why sometimes it may be a good idea to reassure ones own expectations of what sharing time with other people actually is about.
My Own Biases
So, a partner of mine started studying the last year while I already have spend too much time at universities and tend to have a rather negative opinion on how universities work in a capitalist society and how some things (e.g. copyright in academia, science politics) are badly broken. Since they started studying in a field I have experiences in, I could’ve offered to help out on subjects. But here’s the thing: Everyone makes different experiences even if the boundaries and situations are similar and that opens up a room where things may be perceived different: Maybe that person perceives academia in another way than I did, find other things to criticize or liked parts of it I struggled with. I felt like that it wasn’t my place to be a part of that experience & that I shouldn’t be part of that particular space, it felt even better listening half a year later to what experiences they’ve made and how they were different to mine, than to spread the biases and experiences I had.
What I Value in My Own Relationships/Type of Polyamory
I value that…
- I am able to make my own experiences and actually have an autonomous life beside my (romantic) partners.
- people are giving each other the space to grow and to make own experiences.
- breaks are a good and healthy thing to do when there’s room to communicate taking such.
- support sometimes mean to step back instead of doing all the things together.
- I am able to enjoy missing things out, I already wrote about that in “Polyam Introverts”.
- and that communication is a matter of consent as well, consensually not communicating for weeks/month, doesn’t make a relationship less valid or even ~broken~ (that kind of thinking is ableist, since neurodivergent people may not have the spoons to communicate everyday).